What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:20
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was seconnd youngest,
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It was going to be , some day.
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So, i spoilt her more .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
What is the meanest thing your husband has said to you?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He knew the spot.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Is crossdressing being a transvestite?
Comes on , in middle age.
One cannot live in the past .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why do British people always write "xxx" after their names?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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My family never makes their pension either.
Would this be the day?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She loved him until the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She married twice! .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She found it foreign!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im still living with it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So whats the point in blame.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why did i forgive my father ?
We were not on the streets..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I write beautiful poetry .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I have no regrets .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And i lived it daily.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was 9 years of age.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is soul school!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I never cut or harmed myself..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Put me off passion for life!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We all went to grammer schools
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What did i know ?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When she asked me how she looked .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She wouldn,t have been !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I will be 64.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I don,t even have a pension.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
All the time i was locked up.
But, we were locked up after school.
I think the readers, may guess!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I said to her
She was in good health!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My life is so biszare .